We’d like to thank you all for showing up on this 17th day of July, in the 96th year of our Dad.
You’ve just heard Ray’s own take on his life and demise in the form of the obituary he wrote for the occasion. As you may know or have just become aware, I am Ray’s First son; I am apparently now the Patriarch of the direct Harris Clan. It’s a powerful and heady role. I will do my best, though without the frequent counsel Dad offered.
I thought I would use this august gathering to describe for you my “Patriarch-in-Training Program,” though I did not realize that was what was happening throughout my 67 (of his 96) years.
Dad was sort of a “hands-off” mentor for me. And by that I do NOT mean he never paddled my behind when he felt it was necessary…plenty of “Hands-on,” in fact!
For the Millenials and such that are here, please give Dad some grace…it was a different era, and “Time-outs” had yet to be invented. Indeed, Dad might say SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN INVENTED!
Yep. “Hands Off” for me. Lots of rope. General guidelines ONLY about trying not to wrap that rope around my neck!!!
I think if I could describe in one story how Dad made me, ME, It would be this one… it’s about trying new things without hesitation. Dad’s entire life was about seeing a problem and not accepting the reasons that problem has not been, or conventional wisdom said could not be, solved. There is no doubt he made me an effective, but even more importantly, a willing and “Happy” Problem Solver.
In the early 1970’s, I got the idea that it would be fun to make an Ice Rink in the yard of our house in Minneapolis. I don’t really know WHY I had this idea. I considered all the technical issues, such as getting water outside when the sill cocks are shut off for winter, how to make a flat sheet of ice on a sloping lawn, how to apply water without actually standing out in the cold with a hose, and all of that without flooding the street or the basement. I recall that I planned how to do it for not over-long (like, not at all!), then decided one cold day to GO FOR IT.
I DON’T recall asking permission.
Now THAT is a trait I am CERTAIN I learned from Dad. If there was a problem, and a reasonable (to me, at least) solution, why would one need permission?
I DO recall being a little concerned how he might react when he got home from work, or from one of the community meetings he attended many evenings. I also recall he looked maybe more than a little puzzled when he did arrive home to see lawn sprinklers running (so I would not have to stand outside) via a hose run out a basement window (the solution to sill cocks turned off for winter)…at 20°F in the snow!!
Although these surely must have looked “odd” to him, I think he assumed these represented my clever solutions to problems – lots of water could be applied gradually and evenly over a broad area, without frostbite to the applier! He said nothing, in fact!! Because “Looking Odd” would only be with respect to what had always been deemed “normal.” And conforming to Norms was never in his DNA, and should not be in mine.
Since he didn’t raise his voice, or even say anything whatsoever, as if watering the lawn in the snow made perfect sense, I kept on with my task. I learned many things over the course of the next couple months. For example, applying a thin layer of HOT WATER every evening made the ice very smooth. Kinda like a Zamboni! It also used up all the hot water, preventing the dishwasher from working correctly and causing COLD SHOWERS for my siblings. Dad still didn’t raise his voice (though, full disclosure, my siblings and mother may have), and I quickly learned to wait until these things were done to expend all the HW available.
A valuable lesson in adjusting “the plan” and placating the naysayers along the way!
As with many of Dad’s more formidable, groundbreaking projects, once the new world (in this case, the ice rink) was fully realized, there came new expectations and assumptions. Just like Before Google Maps, we asked for and wrote down directions. Now we send pins, check and post reviews and read menus for nearby restaurants as a natural part of getting places. When has anyone in this room last asked for and written down directions? Google created a new world and a new set of expectations. The new world I had created was more than a sheet of ice, but also included Dad’s new expectation that we shovel all the sidewalks before skating. His solution undoubtedly to getting this chore done without argument. Clever guy.
There was one moment along the way where I thought the “What the hell are you doing” moment might have arrived. (ooops can I say that up here? I can’t remember the rules from my Bar Mitzvah). Perhaps I will now be struck by Lightning??? Or THUNDER, anyway!!! (Thunder Up, Chet!) Anyway, One day, after shoveling, skating for hours and then flooding the rink in preparation for another day, Dad mentioned to me that he had received a letter from the City. He had a very stern look on his face. He asked me to review the letter, before we “had a discussion about it…” I wondered if jail time was specified in some obscure Ice Rink Ordinance, and I had been discovered!
The Letter:
“Dear Homeowner. We have noted a drastic increase in water usage at 4339 Fremont Ave. Our engineers suggest that you examine toilets and faucets for drips or leaks and make sure no pipes have burst in the basement…
[It was sooo like society to NOT see the actual problem, right in front of its collective face]
…If you need help or have any questions, please call the Water Department at XXX-XXXX. The City of Minneapolis is not responsible for any leaks or damage, and billing will reflect this usage.”
I had visions of no allowance for the rest of my life and no dessert after all remaining dinners until I went off to college!
Dad could only hold that stern, “BOY ARE YOU IN TROUBLE NOW” look for about 10 seconds. Then he burst out laughing.
See an opportunity to change things, figure out how to do it, then do it. Don’t ask permission because who would you ask? They wouldn’t understand even IF you asked, because you are changing the world. No one asks permission to change the World!!! And, the natural human response is ALWAYS “No!” until the thing that eventually would seem so natural and obvious, is actually done!
That was Dad, and what Dad wanted me to know and do and be.
In retrospect, I find it a little IRONIC, given Dad’s visionary emphasis on preserving Minnesota’s Water Resources, that these seminal Patriarch lessons revolved around wasting literally THOUSANDS OF GALLONS of MINNESOTA WATER!
Would 2025 Dad have paddled my behind?
I also remember hearing SO MANY TIMES Dad’s wise counsel about one or another crisis in my life. My sister, Sarah, called these lectures #101 and #102.
Lecture # 101: Perspective! Ask yourself if “it” (whatever “It” is) will matter to you in a year. If yes, figure out how to fix it. If not, let it go!!
I remember this all too frequently. When someone has been a jerk, moron or karen (in today’s vernacular, with apologies to anyone named “Karen”) to the extreme, or some regulation or bureaucratic nonsense has been particularly onerous, perspective can help you be at peace. #101 has been especially useful in retirement, when really nothing matters all that much, other than enjoying each day as it comes and all the people around you. This rule ESPECIALLY applies these days to Traffic. I used to care, I no longer do! In a year, it will not matter in the least that it took us 2 hours or two weeks to transit Atlanta or Dallas or I-94 or Hennepin Ave!
Lecture # 102: Expectations! If you expect everyone or even anyone else to work as hard, or as effectively, or in the same manner or care as much as you do/are, you will always be disappointed! We all should remember this when we deal with Customer Support, or City Bureaucrats or employees. It (whatever “it” is) will get screwed up as likely as fixed. It will take longer and be done less efficiently. Don’t let it get to you (see #101). Let them keep trying, even if you could have been done an hour ago. Remember #102 and don’t EXPECT. Better yet, give others the grace to perform differently than you might! You and the world will be better for it.
And then there was his irreverence, always – but especially for life’s important moments. Some of you may have met my Wife, Liz. You should know exactly how she met Dad for the first time. It was Thanksgiving time, 1989. Liz (My still-new-partner) and I flew home for the Holiday, and for introductions. Someone…could have been Dad, I don’t know… had the idea for the whole family to meet us at the airport. WEARING. GORILLA. SUITS!!! This was obviously before the current era of airport security – imagine wearing a Gorilla suit into the terminal today, never mind trying to meet arrivees at their gate!!!
But the Joke was ultimately on Dad, because our flite arrived late and at a different-than-expected gate, so Liz first saw most of my family sitting in chairs with their Gorilla Heads off (they were HOT (and not in a “good” way!). Dad, though, was in fact walking up and down the concourse in full Gorilla Regalia, SCARING LITTLE KIDS!!! I still remember his particular Gorilla Suit – the premium TECHNIFIED MODEL with demonic red-blinking eyes!
BTW, Liz and I are still married. In fact, we live in our RV (Houseless, but not homeless) and have for the past 9+ years. I doubt there is a couple in this room or anywhere who has “enjoyed” such “togetherness” for so many years. And it all started with Dad’s tacit blessing, way back in 1989 IN A GORILLA SUIT. As an aside, Liz – you can never say you didn’t know what you were getting into after that introduction!!!…!
Liz and I reflect very often on #101 and #102 in our Guiding Principles on the road. Which I guess we could assign “LECTURE#103, #104” now that I am “THE PATRIARCH!!!”
- #102 Again: If you have no expectations, you cannot be disappointed!!!
- #103 If you have no particular destination in mind, you can’t be lost
- #104 If you haven’t a schedule, you can’t be late
Then there was his competitive spirit. One thing Dad and I enjoyed together the last several years were our frequent Sports Wagers. Liz and I lived in Chicago just a stone’s throw from Wrigley Field, so At first these were on obvious things such as the better record between the Twins and Cubs, or Bears and Vikings. For many if not most years, our teams were BAD, so our bets had to be on more esoteric stats. Because Dad LOVED DOGS, one hockey bet was “Most DOG penalties” – hockey vernacular for “Delay of game, Puck over Glass.”
These were always bets of low monetary but high psychological value. For example, I remember having to wear Minnesota Twins logowear for a week at work – in a highly conservative Chicagoland accounting firm, – in the mid-80s…way before any inkling of “business casual.”
Our last sports bet was on the 2025 Superbowl, and for a change I WON. The payoff was a sack of White Castle hamburgers. He lost, so he was to buy the White Castles. For perspective, the LAST bet, which I lost and had to therefore pay, was for a steak at Manny’s…he ordered the 70oz Bludgeon of Beef!
Anyway, since he was not as mobile as he used to be, and DoorDash is not a thing for the 90+ generation, I agreed to buy and he could reimburse. The White Castles were acquired and consumed just a week before his demise (some would say contributed to his demise!), and HE NEVER REIMBURSED ME!
Yes, as one of his last acts, HE STIFFED ME for a sack of White Castles!
I don’t think this was entirely an accident! Dad Planned everything. I mean, he wrote his own eulogy and obituary. At first, I thought this was because he was worried what people might say about him. But, we all know, He didn’t give a damn what people said about him! Dad ALWAYS planned for and played the long game! No, he may have lost the bet, but he won for sure! And, some day, I will find out what the long game was!
While I could add so many more teachable moments from the book of Ray, These are some of the ways Dad helped me to reach the lofty position of HARRIS PATRIARCH. He might have presented differently to others – for sure, as we reminisce, my siblings all share equally pivotal and different stories about Dad’s impact – he always seemed to know what sort of pat on the back or kick in the Ass (Queue the Lightning!) everyone around him needed. Sort of weird, really, for a former Army Drill Instructor. The Army was not and is not famous as a place for individuality and individualized training!
Dad’s the reason you are all in this room. Some of you travelled great distances to be here. Many of you are here because Dad respected you and your opinions. Maybe even at one time or another, he sought-after your opinion BECAUSE he respected you but not fools. Some of you are actually here, not because you were a confidant or acolyte of dad (boy, he would’a laughed at that word choice!), but because you are connected through one of us; here to support us, hold us up and honor what you know Dad meant to US (and the world).
Our family thanks everyone for taking the time to be here to help us celebrate dad’s larger than life impact.
You all may or more likely may not know, but should not be surprised, that Dad also wrote his own Eulogy. He did this just 2 years ago, when he was in Hospice, with failing kidneys and a variety of other, anticipated to be imminently fatal, complications.
Of his MANY lifetime accomplishments, I know Dad was proudest of having been summarily ejected from Hospice. Dad didn’t fail often in his life, but he FAILED at HOSPICE – or as he liked to say – he was ‘kicked out for failure to conform’. His statement, “No one is going to tell me when I am to leave” was so completely in character!!
My sister, Rachel, will read the Eulogy he wrote, which can also be found in long form on Dad’s Blog.
Then, we’re not quite done. After the Eulogy, we have a couple of speakers who have no doubt been trying for DECADES to have the last word in their many conversations with Ray. Now they will.
Then, after this service we’ll all adjourn downstairs.
There, in the spirit of collaboration and degustation dad so enjoyed, you will find name tags, suitable refreshments, white boards and a BUNCH of post-it notes.
My siblings and I have met many of you over the years, however I don’t remember what I had for lunch today. Like Dad, I am always looking forward – remembering names is soooo “Yesterday!!! We have provided “Hello, My Name is” badges. Please complete them with the NICKNAME you think Dad would have used to describe you…
Now, as for the Boards and Post-its… Dad would want you to know that your work is not done, just because he and his is. And, having just helped my sisters clean out his Apartment, I know He had several legal pads with yet more project ideas on them… No doubt, he would have presented some of these ideas to many in this room, looking for the input he valued from all of you.
Since Ray’s time dreaming and executing BIG THINGS is done, it’s your turn. Take a Post-it Note and answer this question:
- “How will I do something meaningful to help our community?”
We ask you to contemplate this as you think about (and drink to) Ray, and his life well lived. Make a post-it note (or several) if you’re “feeling it.” Remember that Dad hated above all else think tanks, gatherings he felt were solely for admiring problems, So your Post-It must answer the question: “WHAT CAN I DO…” Then you can honor him by executing on what you put on those post-it notes…be assured HE will be watching!!!!
SO the rest of us can also keep track, We’ll document the totality of ideas without attribution on Ray’s Blog, which continues for the time being by the efforts of his Granddaughter, Aleah. This can be found at THERAYHARRIS.COM.
Now, for the specific words Dad wanted told at this event.